


even in hades

by horreurs



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, enjoy these sad old gays, eruri - Freeform, idk why this is so angsty i'm sorry, mike's only mentioned in passing too sorry to the mike stans out there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-25 23:34:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14987978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horreurs/pseuds/horreurs
Summary: old bones can't carry the weight of the world forever. levi isn't so sure erwin realises such a fact.





	even in hades

The cold wind sent shivers echoing through Levi’s bones. He scowled at the view from the windowsill for no reason other than to express his own discontent with the results of their most recent expedition. He’d never been the type to talk about his feelings. He found the mere idea of it tiresome, resulting in a bigger mess than he originally began with. Exhaling slowly, he watched the burning embers tear through the cigarette paper held tightly between his fingers. They carelessly drifted through the breeze and fell softly on the ground below to rest peacefully. He almost envied the simplicity of their execution. The door to his private quarters opened without warning, causing Levi to bristle, ready to fire a line of expletives to send the intruder elsewhere, yet his glare softened when he recognised the tired eyes that met his own from across the room.

“You look like shit.” Levi stated bluntly, his gaze shifting back to the view outside. He listened to the creak of the bed as Erwin’s weight settled upon it. The commander’s sombre mood seemed to fill the room instantly, every tiny crack in the wall somehow mirroring the cracks in Erwin’s resolve. He didn’t receive a reply. Levi knew to let Erwin answer in his own time. It was never easy for any of them. The promise of death stared all of them in the eyes each time the gate was lifted for an expedition. Over the years, Levi learned not to ask himself _‘why me’_. He had simply accepted that, sometimes, the explanation for casualties could not be delved any deeper into.

“We received shipments today,” Levi kept his voice low, so as not to startle Erwin from his thoughts. Judging by the slump of his shoulders, Levi doubted anything could shake him from the gruesome images undoubtedly flashing through his mind. “New uniforms, food—” He paused, knowing the effect the final part would have. “... Certificates.” At this, Erwin’s head rose. There was no curiosity. No surprise. Just silent acknowledgement. 

“I know our next expedition isn’t until next month, but there’s no harm in being prepared.” There was no use in sugarcoating the truth. After facing such monumental losses during their previous expedition, the realisation of the newer dangers facing them all dawned suddenly. They couldn’t sit idly by with their numbers dwindling like they were.

“Thank you.”

Levi glanced cautiously over to the other, brow furrowing momentarily. It wasn’t the first time Erwin has come to him seeking solace. Levi knew it won’t be the last, either. Yet this time, there was a difference. Erwin’s voice sounded strained, as if all his years of speeches and general shouting had all caught up with him simultaneously. Whilst he struggled with his own personal feelings, Levi had always been acutely aware of Erwin’s struggle. His title placed him at the top of their hierarchy. Levi himself and the others below him all looked up to Erwin. He was their source of hope. Levi wondered how much more weight a heart as heavy as Erwin’s could take.

Stubbing the cigarette out against the cold brickwork beneath the windowsill, Levi contemplated his conversational options. The two of them had always been comfortable in each other’s company, even in silence. No, _especially_ in silence. But there was something almost stifling about this type of silence. Levi wasn’t sure he could handle it for much longer.

“I’ll sign Mike’s certificate.”

Erwin jolted at this, as if he had been struck across the face. It didn’t stop Levi from continuing.

“It’s too much for you. Anyone can see that.” For once, Levi winced at his own words, embarrassed by just how much emotion they seemed to carry. Despite this, Levi allowed himself to think aloud. He’d laid himself bare for Erwin more times than he could count. As far as he was concerned, Erwin still held his heart in his hands. “You need to learn to stop punishing yourself. It’ll be the death of you.”

Levi’s frown returned when Erwin’s only response was a cold laugh. It was short and sharp, like a bullet to the head. He wasn’t sure if he should have taken offence to such a sudden dismissal of his words or to try and simply show some compassion. Either way, Levi felt as if he was already too late. Trying to figure out Erwin was a practically impossible task. The man was as unreadable as humanly possible. Always perfectly in control of his emotions. But during periods like this, Levi was able to chip away at the facade to see the true colours of the man he’d pledged his life to. And more often than not, it petrified him.

“And here I was thinking that my death would be a dignified affair.” Erwin’s tone was decorated with a dark humour, his words tinged with poison. It stung to hear and Levi couldn’t bring himself to move from the windowsill. Moving any closer would cross a boundary neither of them dared to mention.

“Have you slept?” It was best to get straight to the point. The charade couldn’t last forever. Levi’s eyes narrowed as Erwin silently shook his head after a lengthy pause, soon moving to rub a hand over his face, as if to hide the widening metaphorical cracks desperately trying to expose his imperfections. It was a beast of a burden that Erwin had carried for long enough.

“Very well.” Pushing himself off of the windowsill, Levi strode across the room until he was stood before Erwin’s tired form, arms folded neatly across his chest with the fabric of the blazer resting upon his shoulders shifting with the movement. “Get up.”

For the first time since Erwin’s unannounced arrival, their eyes met as he glanced up to meet Levi’s own heavy stare. It was unrelenting, holding more power than any smartass remark or sharp backhand could. Erwin crumbled under Levi’s resolve and slowly rose to his feet, every part of him feeling heavier than he’d ever felt before. 

“Levi—”

“ _Enough_. I’m not sitting here to watch you hold your own pity party. Besides, you’re dirtying my sheets.”

Turning on his heel, Levi made his way to the door and tugged it open roughly. Undoubtedly with more force than was deemed necessary. He knew Erwin would follow. There was no need for such insignificant instructions between the two of them anymore. The years had been kind enough to bless them with a bond that not even the sharpest blade could destroy. Their silent understanding was one of the few things that kept Levi’s sanity at a functioning level. 

It didn’t take long for them to reach Erwin’s own quarters. As he’d suspected, the place was a mess. Erwin’s desk was littered with various documents and maps, some teetering precariously over the edge and threatening to fall any moment now. Levi ignored the way his fingers twitched at the sight. That could be sorted later. There were more important matters at hand to be dealt with first. Leading Erwin into his bathroom, Levi silently instructed him to sit on the edge of the bathtub with a nod of his head. This would take more work than he’d originally imagined.

Shrugging his blazer off to hang it over the sink, Levi rolled his shirt sleeves up past his elbows before making his way back over to Erwin, leaning behind him to toy with the temperature of the bathwater. Turning his full attention back to the commander, Levi bit back the urge to wince. Erwin’s stare was mindless. Empty, even. He hadn’t moved an inch since they’d entered the room. Sighing heavily through his nose, Levi dropped to his knees, elbowing Erwin’s thighs apart so that he could fit comfortably. Once he’d managed to maneuver himself around, Levi began at the top, his fingers loosening Erwin’s tie effortlessly before gently lifting it up over his head and placing it beside them on the laundry basket. There was no need for words right now. The situation was as clear as day. 

Sometimes even the strongest men buckled. There was no shame in that. Levi wondered if Erwin had ever been told such a thing. Judging by his thousand-yard-stare, he doubted it. It seemed surreal, almost. This man was always one step ahead of everyone else. It was an admirable trait. The memory of Erwin’s cold words following Isabel and Farlan’s deaths rang in his mind. 

_“If you begin to regret, you’ll dull your future decisions and let others make your choices for you. All that’s left for you then is to die. No one can foretell the outcome. Each decision you make holds meaning only by affecting your next decision.”_

He’d learned to live by that mindset ever since that day. Not once had he dreamed of thinking otherwise. Erwin had shown him that there was no use in regret. Although it was inevitable in their line of work, dwelling on it only caused unnecessary pain. Levi couldn’t bring himself to use Erwin’s own words against him.

It didn’t take long to rid Erwin of his uniform. Levi ensured that every piece was folded carefully and kept out of harm’s way while Erwin adjusted to the temperature of the water. There were parts that obviously needed scrubbing but Levi knew better than to distract himself at a time like this. Even if he wouldn’t say it, Levi knew he needed him close. For company, if nothing else. The sound of the water rippling as Erwin sunk lower came as a comfort. It reminded Levi that, at least for a little longer, they still had each other. 

Perching on the edge of the bathtub, Levi allowed his gaze to wander over the blonde. It was a purely innocent gesture. Levi knew he wasn’t incorrect in saying that Erwin was a very attractive man. His defined features matched with his hero complex created a rather intriguing individual. Gripping the sponge from the other side of the tub, Levi shoved it carelessly into the water before dousing it in soap. He lightly rested his free hand against Erwin’s shoulder, as if to silently encourage him to sit forward. It made their difference in size all the more noticable. His words caught in his throat as Erwin’s head turned and a light kiss was placed against his thumb. It was too late to tear his hand away by then. 

They would often occur, these moments of blissful domesticity. Or, that was at least what Levi _considered_ them to be. He’d never been shown such gentle kindness. It repulsed him the first time around, when Erwin had kissed the crown of his head after a late night spent together in Erwin’s study. It had been in place of a verbal thanks and had taken them both by surprise. They’d refused to speak of the moment since. Erwin’s affectionate gesture only served to encourage those emotions to resurface. As Erwin sat forward, Levi rubbed small, soapy circles across his skin, trying his hardest to scrub away Erwin’s pain and suffering. It was a childish thought. One that almost made Levi recoil the more he thought about it. But sometimes simplicity was necessary in these situations. 

The sight of the bruising across Erwin’s body from the straps of his harness bought a faint smile to Levi’s face. No matter his ranking, Erwin was still just as human as the rest of them. Such a thought offered peace of mind. The sound of Erwin clearing his throat distracted Levi from his thoughts suddenly, speeding up the process significantly. Personally, Levi preferred three minute showers to baths of any kind. Wallowing in one’s own dirt didn’t seem like a relaxing pastime to him. But Erwin needed the pampering, at least for tonight. Within five minutes and after a few awkward forehead bumpings due to the lack of space between them, Erwin looked like a different man. His eyes had regained their usual sparkle, his resting expression exuding hope rather than despair. The sight of his hair falling in front of his eyes was almost comical. It was unusual to see him practically relaxed.

“Oi, Erwin.” 

Once again, their gazes met with a new intensity. It felt as if Erwin’s usual commanding air had been born anew, like a freshly lit match. Levi could swear the look alone almost winded him. It swallowed him whole.

“You’re an idiot, you know that?”

A look of amusement washed over Erwin’s face, the corners of his lips quirking into a relaxed smile. 

“It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve told me.”

Wringing out the washcloth he’d used to wipe away excess soap suds, Levi delicately draped it over the side of the tub before reaching for a towel. He dried his hands with vigor, wiping away any former traces of the sorrow that had coated Erwin’s skin. He could feel Erwin’s gaze running over his body in an almost curious fashion. It was as if his childlike wonder was seeping through Levi, infecting the marrow within his bones and pulling him closer and closer into the emotional web they often found themselves ensnared in. He soon handed the towel to Erwin, his eyes averted as the commander rose to his feet once more. Their fingers brushed as Erwin tugged the towel from his grip and wrapped it around his waist tightly. Levi tried desperately to ignore the nagging sensation in his gut as he left the room.

Erwin appeared shortly after, his hair mussed from rigorous drying from his coarse towel. Levi failed to notice his reappearance at first. He’d been hastily tidying the mess that was Erwin’s desk since leaving the other to his own devices. At least now, the surface was visible once again. 

“Levi.” His tone was gentle. It bordered on tender. “Thank you. For everything. Not just this evening, but for your service to mankind. I’m afraid words can’t even begin to express my undying gratitude.” 

Levi’s jaw clenched automatically, tired eyes surveying Erwin’s back. He didn’t— no, _couldn't_ meet Erwin’s heavy stare. They’d already crossed a line. Their relationship was a controversial topic. Nile Dawk, the commander of the Military Police had often remarked on how he never saw one without the other. That was the problem with offering your heart up to a man that could crush it at a moment’s notice; there was never time to question such devotion.

“You need to rest.” Levi replied simply with a shrug of his shoulders, deflecting as best he could. “You’re beginning to sound delirious.” 

In what seemed like no time at all, Erwin had dressed himself and styled his hair as neatly as he could, given his levels of exhaustion. Levi was almost impressed. Out the corner of his eye, Levi watched as Erwin tugged back the bedsheets and settled in, a sigh of relief escaping him as soon as his head met the pillow. 

“You’re dismissed, captain.”

“Roger, Erwin.”

The walk back to his own quarters seemed lonelier than before. Lonelier than it had ever seemed. It was a feeling Levi couldn’t quite shake, no matter how he tried. Shutting the door behind him, Levi began to undress. The candlelight soothed his eyes as he hung his harness over the back of his chair, soon settling into it for the night. He didn’t dare touch his bed. The creases from Erwin’s form still remained on the bedsheets. Levi doubted his hands could erase such a deep-set melancholy. Not in this lifetime.

For the first time in years, Levi’s dreams were peaceful that night.

**Author's Note:**

> this is rusty as all hell and un-beta'd so if there are any mistakes just know that i apologise from the bottom of my heart.  
> since my ass has been dragged back into snk hell i thought it'd be a fitting time to slap my work online! these two old gays will always be a weakness to me


End file.
